Fragment of Blue continues. Our POV character, Dan, has a lot to deal with. Will the past cast a shadow on the couple?
Genre: MM romance, yaoi
Warning: adult content, R18
Spoilers alert for the ending of Back in the rain.
“Oh yeah, big breasts are totally fundamental for me,” Drew joked.
“I know. You used to show me your favorite porn videos all the time.”
Drew bit his lips and nodded. “I did that, didn’t I? God, I was really stupid as a kid.”
“You were just very enthusiastic. You actually called me after you jerked off for the first time.”
“And I think I begged you to never mention it again!”
“Are you still embarrassed about it? We sleep together every night and you get all worked up for something you told me almost 10 years ago?”
“Of course it’s embarrassing. You must have thought I was a freak.”
“What? No! Is this how it seemed to you?”
“Well,” Drew paused for a moment. “You seemed really uncomfortable talking about it. Also, when I asked you if you had ever done it before and you said yes it was… a little weird for me. I called you right away because it felt like I had found out about the most mind-blowing thing in the world and then I learned that you were doing it already and never said anything to me, and… I don’t know, it made me feel wrong. Like I was prying into your business and at the same time giving you too much information about mine. For a while I wondered if talking about masturbating was somehow bad, until when our classmates showed us their porn. There I thought , ‘Oh, okay, so this is normal,’ and I started talking about it again.”
That was new to Dan. He had never thought about Drew’s point of view.
“I’m sorry,” he said to him, “I didn’t realize my reactionwas so important to you.”
“Dan, we’re talking about you. You were my perfect best friend and anything you said and did was golden to me.”
Drew’s words made him smile. It was flattering as hell to think Drew would hold him in such high regard, also taking into account that he considered his adolescence to be the most confusing, cringe-worthy period of his life.
“The truth is that even if I played it cool, I was helplessly horny most of the time.”
“You were?” Drew seemed incredulous.
“Yes, and I felt abnormal and wrong. I saw what the others liked and considered normal, and finding out it was different for me was a big deal. The day I admitted to myself that I was sexually attracted to men too I spent the night crying.”
“Was it so bad?”
Dan nodded. “You know I had a crush on you. I was in denial at first, and I told myself continuously that getting a boner around you was probably just a coincidence. When I masturbated I only looked at girls, and it was reassuring for me that a woman’s body would still turn me on. Then one day you showed me this video of a girl giving a blowjob to someone, and you said you were curious about how it felt like. I was curious too, and the girl was hot and all, but… my mind could only focus on the fact that you jerked off thinking of that girl, and I fucking hated her. I thought I’d rather be in her place. I thought about taking your dick in my mouth and I got painfully hard. Later that night I spent half an hour in bed looking at my dried come on my hand and I freaked out as I realized two things: I wasn’t straight, and I wanted my best friend.”
“Oh, love.” Once again, the affection in Drew’s voice warmed up his heart. “If it can console you, you hid it perfectly. At the time I had no idea you had a crush on me.”
Dan laughed. “Yes, at least nobody saw my meltdown. Well, nobody sawthat meltdown.”
Drew didn’t look at him, but Dan saw him smiling. He was about to ask him what he was thinking, when Drew said, “You’re a walking contradiction, in the best possible way.”
That was curious. “Please elaborate.”
“You’ve always been so fragile, and I had no idea. Mind me, I said fragile, not weak. I mean that you get hurt easily and are really sensitive, but you never showed it. On the outside you were always tough, cool and confident.”
“You’re right to use the past tense. Look at me now; I’m a mess.”
“You’re actually improving a lot. Around strangers, you’re back to being cool and controlled like before, but you smile more and that’s great. I have a soft spot for your smile.”
Dan bit the inside of his cheek. He knew he was improving, but his recovery wasn’t as fast as he had hoped. He was alright around strangers, but when he was with family and friends it was difficult to hide his changes of mood. When he saw something that reminded him of his traumas he tensedup, and they noticed immediately. Everybody would then try to make him feel better, and he was grateful for that, but he hated to be such a burden to them. He hated to be the crazy guy they had to deal with, and he feared that the affection that tied them together would at some point turn into pity. He wanted to get better soon, before they got tired of him.
They will get tired of you, a voice whispered in his head.
No. His thoughts shouldn’t go that way. He was alright. His friends loved him. Drew loved him.
“Dan, are you okay?”
[part 4 online toworrow]